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HAYWARD FIREFOLKS
Gems of Wit and Pearls of Wisdom
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Gone But Not Forgotten

From Time to Time there will appear a gem or two, keep looking

07/18/03

Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.

Some examples:

a.. Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

b. The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

c.. Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"

d.. Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

e.. The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

f.. The Troggs: "Bald Thing"

g.. Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"

h.. The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

i.. Roberta Flack: "The First Time EverI Forgot Your Face"

j. Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"

k.. The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

l.. ABBA: "Denture Queen">

m.. Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

n.. Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

o.. Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

p.. The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

07/23/03

Subject: The truth about moms, according to school-age kids

The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given question:

Why did God make mothers?

1.-She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 

2.-Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.

3.-Mostly to clean the house.

4.-To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1.- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2.- Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3.- God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1.- We're related.

2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1- God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice inthe world and one dab of mean.

2.-They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1.- My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2.- I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3.- They say she used to be nice.

How did your mom meet your dad?

1.- Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1.- His last name.

2.- She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say no to drugs and yes to chores.

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1.- My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

2.- She got too old to do anything else with him.

3.- My grandma! says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?

1.- It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?

1.- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such agoofball.

2.- Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff underthe bed.

3.- I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1.- Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.

2.- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3.- Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at yourfriend's.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1.- Mothers don't do spare time.

2.-To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?

1.- About 30 years.

2.- You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!Describe the world's greatest mom?

1.- She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!

2.- The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!

3.- She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your mom perfect?

1.- Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.

2.- Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.

3.- Just her children

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1.- On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2.- Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1.- She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.! I'd get rid of that.

2.- I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.